Dining with toddlers is a most delightful and delicious experience. I recall a particular evening out with our three little ones, at the Olive Garden. At home we ate a very healthy diet, and often let our children make selections for dinner, so this particular evening as the waiter asked us for our orders, we went around the table giving each child a chance to place their order. The 3 and 6 year old hd eaten at this restaurant before and knew what they wanted. My 2 year old, however, could only tell the waiter what she wanted to eat without knowing if it was on the menu. She asked for broccoli very nicely, and the young man turned red and accused us of making fun of him. "A baby can't order their own food," he insisted. We assured him she most certainly could and asked if he had broccoli on the menu, which he said he didn't. I asked for what other vegetables he had, and learned they had green beans. I turned to my baby and asked of green beans would be alright and she said, "yes." The waiter, still bright red, turned on his heel and stormed off to the kitchen to give our orders to the cook.
The rest of the evening was spent talking, singing, playing dinner table games and having fun. When the younger children got antsy or tired, we just held them in our laps until they dozed off to sleep. My recollection of the evening was that it was a fabulous experience for all five of us, my husband and myself, as well as our three little children. Now, over a dozen years later, we still have a wonderful time at the dinner table. Just this Saturday and Sunday we had family dinner with the children and their friends, followed by some games and on Saturday night it transitioned into us watching Michael Phelps on SNL while we finished a game of Life.
The good manners and dining habits we developed in our children from a very early age have given rise to many wonderful experiences throughout their childhoods, and we are so grateful to have this wonderful aspect of family life to share together. The way we supported our children in achieving these goals was through a very definite and precise process, taking on one little challenge after another, with the net result being well behaved and delightful children who were full of love and life.
We parents are the keepers of our child's experience, and it is our responsibility to guide our child's development by taking control of our speech, behavior and the child's environment. If an unwanted behavior arises, such as playing with food or screaming at the dinner table, we only have to change ourselves or the environment to affect a more desirable outcome from our child. Imagine the freedom of no longer having to fight with an unruly 3 year old, but rather simply and quietly shift our behavior and ensure a proper environment, with positive results each and every time.
That has been our experience in our household, and not only did this approach work with our children when they were infants and toddlers, but it has carried through into their teenage years. The result is that we are having the time of our life with a household of teenagers, and have especially enjoyed our dining experiences ... from sushi restaurants to diners and even at the house of friends and family, we have been able to depend upon the children to be reasonably polite and behaved each and every time.
Not convinced? Perhaps you faced the temper tantrum of the century last week when you struggled to get your toddler to sit in a high chair at the dinner table while guests visited. Or perhaps you needed to quickly exit a restaurant with a screaming child under one arm. I understand your being skeptical, but I promise, this stuff really works.
The key is knowing how children focus. It's that simple. They listen to what they're told. "Bolderdash," you say? I understand that your child continues to run around the restaurant while you're continually admonishing, "Keep up that running and you'll fall and bust your lip." It is frustrating; but, did you ever imagine a better way? Hmmm... Talk about running around the restaurant, and create enough focus on the image, and that is exactly what your child will also imagine ... and do. Even if you change your language to say, "Children who run around the restaurant will fall and get hurt," or "the restaurant isn't a safe place for children because the waiters are carrying hot pots of coffee and tea."
Each of those approaches is jam packed full of negativity and the expectation of harm to your child, which is something you fear. The child picks up on this and it becomes a focus. Try this instead, "Hey, honey, the restaurant is a walking place. In order to be here we must walk slowly and carefully."
That's it.. Yep, it is that simple. Believe it or not.
How does it work? Very simply, you state the desired state, "we walk when we're in a restaurant." Then if the child forgets, just remind him. If he forgets more than twice, then quietly affirm, "Remember, the restaurant is a walking place. In order to be here, we must walk. If we don't walk, we have to leave." Then if the child runs again (really runs, not just fast walking because he's happy and excited), you very simply state, "Oh, I'm so sorry, honey, but remember we said the restaurant is a walking place? Well, now we have to leave because you didn't follow the rules." Then leave.
You don't have to do that too many times for your child to get the idea that walking at the restaurant is a good idea. No arguing, no fighting, no spanking. Just common sense setting down the healthy and happy rules of life, and gently nudging your child the follow them. Now, if you're new to this kind of parenting, there may be a transition period. For example, your child might pitch a fit at your removing him from the table after he fails to follow the rules, but be patient. You will deal with temper tantrums at another time, in its proper place. Parenting is achieved one step - and one skill - at a time.
As a parent, we need to recognize that growing up requires a set of skills that your child does not yet possess. If your child is throwing temper tantrums, then he hasn't yet learned to practice self control and an awareness of your rules. You simply help your child develop those skills and self awarenesses. I love to plan out activities that I believe will support the child in coming to important new awareneses, and I schedule them on my time, ahead of any dire need. I dealt with the restaurant issue several times over the years, as my children grew up, and each time I did it on MY schedule, not waiting for a crisis in front of Great Aunt Tillie or the children's music teacher.
Instead of dealing with a child acting out in a restaurant at am embarrassing and inconvenient time, I intentionally put my children into situations where they had to develop the self management skills and awarenesses ahead of time, so that it worked smoothly into my schedule. For example, my three little ones began to bicker and make a fuss whenever we went out to eat. This behavior cropped up when my youngest turned 2 1/2, the second was 3 and the third was 5, just a few months after the peaceful dinner at the Olive Garden. Typically enjoying good behavior from the children, I was a bit miffed at their acting up, but realized that the baby's new found independence was giving them each a chance to working on developing self-restraint and manners.
The children had wanted to visit a lovely Chinese restaurant with a dragon on the door for quite some time, but I wasn't sure it fit in my budget. So I planned an outing with them to go for chinese when this new difficult behavior cropped up. I remember that the children had just started this new bickering thing .... you know the kind, "you took my spoon," ... "no, it's my spoon" ... "grow up and use a fork, baby," and so on.
As I recall I didn't even have enough money to afford to eat at this restaurant on the day we went, but all morning I kept telling them that we were going to visit the new Chinese restaurant with the dragon on the door as long as they were polite and well behaved. As you can imagine, the children were excited and giddy as we dressed up in nice clothes and drove to the restaurant. They wondered if this Chinese restaurant would have a big fish tank like the last one we had visited, and we all happily marched into the restaurant. As the hostess seated us I reminded my little crew that we could enjoy eating at the dragon restaurant as long as everyone was polite and well behaved.
Then, as we started to take our seats, the bickering started. "I want to sit next to Mommy," ... "no, I want to sit there," and so on. I very quietly stated, "children, we can only be here if we are polite and well behaved, and I'm so sorry that we have to leave now. I certainly don't want to go, but you decided for us by being rude." Out the door we walked, back into the van and then to home. The children did cry, they did wail, and they did beg and plead. I never once raised my voice or angered. I knew I was teaching them a valuable lesson (and saving a bundle on ordering chinese food from this fabulous looking, pricey restaurant that did in fact have a lovely big fish tank near the register). The lesson had been learned, and the lesson would do the work.
The very next time we went out to eat, all I had to do was simply remind the children about proper behavior in a restaurant and they quieted down, remembering having had to leave the Chinese dragon restaurant, and would fall right in line. Now, this approach will only work if your child is either hungry or wants to be at the restaurant, or both. Of course, creating positive and fun family dining experiences will help ensure that your child does want to be a part of dining out, and will choose positive behavior in order to enjoy your company ... and a good meal.
if your child doesn't want to be at the restaurant, then that simply is a different skill, which needs to be taught and developed in a different way. It is much easier to help children learn proper behavior and self-control in settings that they want to be in and enjoy. Asking a toddler to be well behaved in any place ... including a restaurant ... that they don't want to visit requires an entirely different set of skills - for both you and your child.
Bringing a child to a dinner table when he wants to run and jump and play is never going to turn out well. For exactly these situations, I had several "Toddler Tool Kits" prepared - some of the tool kits were real kits with handles and hinges - and some of the kits were imaginery things that existed only in my mind. In the course of my week, I would look for little things that would occupy toddlers. I had one small case about the size of a pencil box that was filled with hundreds of stickers of all sizes, shapes and colors. Some I purchased at the dollar store, and others I got from stores that were giving them away. I kept them all in this cute little pink pencil case, and the children ONLY got to play with them at special times ... like at a dinner table, during a ceremony or when going for a long drive. They children were so excited for an opportunity to get to delve into the sticker case that they would invariably settle down ... for at least a while ... and give us some peace.
The sticker case was great, because the stickers couldn't harm anyone's furniture or clothing. Of course we also had a lunch box filled with crayons and miniature coloring books and pads, but in certain settings these were inappropriate as toddlers will tend to write on anything in front of them ... including the top of the dinner table or the menus. When the sticker case would lose its appeal after 20 minutes or so, I had another little box filled with tiny toys. We had miniature G I Joe's, Polly Pockets, cars, doll houses and Transformers. All toys that were quiet, didn't have sharp edges, and would occupy the children just a bit more without causing harm to the furniture, tablecloth or menus. When all these failed, I had another bag with books ... little ones that were child sized and didn't take up much room. These three Toddler Tool Kits would often buy me about 45 minutes of peace at the dinner table.
There are times, however, when we ask too much of toddlers. They are by nature loud, busy and active, and asking them to refrain from these tendencies is much like asking a leopard to change its spots. A huge part of helping toddlers maintain polite behavior at the dinne table lies in the secrets locked away in the Imaginary Toddler Tool Kit. In this kit, I have an entire list of activities that are designed to help toddlers work out the itch to be noisy and busy, and to calm down and get back to proper manners for the rest of the meal.
The Imaginary Toddler Tool Kit was most powerful outside the restaurant. My husband or I would intermittently ask to be excused and take the children outside for 5 minutes. There we would have some fun, make some noise and burn off some steam. Firstly, we always taught the children that some places, like libraries and restaurantes, are quiet places, while others are loud places. Outside of the restaurant was an appropriate loud place ... so ... we would go outside for 5 minutes and scream. Sometimes we would scream a song or rhyme, and others we would just yell for fun. Then after getting that out of our system, we would go back inside the quiet place where screaming had to be quiet. We would return to the table, the children happy from their silly yelling game outside, and mouth a scream that was blissfully silent. Playing the "silent screaming" game was fun and silly, but polite enough for most dining experiences.
Other times making noise along wasn't enough. The children needed to move and use their muscles ... sitting at a dining table for an hour or more is a lot to ask of any toddler. Once again, one of us would politely excuse ourselves for 5 minutes, and take the children outside for some spirited Simon Says type games. One was the running game. I would pick a path for them to run ... a safe distance that kept them away from the parking lot and people walking to and from the restaurant ... and I would send them one at a time to run as fast as they could until I yelled, "STOP!" They had to stop on a dime and wait until I said,"RUN," again. They could only run as far as the end of the track we'd chosen, then turn around and head back to me. One at a time I'd send them running and stopping and running and stopping ... for the full five minutes .... screaming as they ran. Then we would put on our "quiet voices" and remember to "scream quietly" as we happily walked back into the restaurant, with the promise to come back out and play the game again before the night was over.
The children just loved these games. Other fun games were "Karate Kid" and "Walk Like This". If there wasn't enough safe space for the children to run outside, we would find a safe spot and I'd call out movements, "Kick high, then do a middle punch!" Each child would do the movements and wait for the next order. Each time I'd make it more complicated and add in silly steps like, "shout your name, rub your belly, spin two times and jump up and down!" The "Walk Like This" game was even more fun. I would make up a silly walk, like waddling like a duck and quacking, and the children would have to follow and do the same. Each child would take turns leadiing, making up funny ways to walk and hilarious sounds. After give minutes of this game, they had spent a fair amount of energy and were willing to go back inside to the "quiet place" with the promise that we'd come back and do it again.
The last piece to the puzzle for getting your toddler to be polite at the dinner table ... when he doesn't want to be there at all ... is to arrange for some special drinks and foods that your toddler earns for good behavior, in a dinner table game. Depending upon how long the dinner will be, and how quiet and well behaved you need him to be that entire time, you can arrange for a serious for fun but healthy drinks and snacks that he can earn by playing the "Polite Game". This is still another imaginary game, but works wonders.
You can even make a little chart like a tic tac toe board that they have to fill in with cheerios at the table. Each time they get a row of three good behaviors, they earn one of the special snacks or drinks. Children love a glass of ginger ale or soda with a cherry in it or cheese sticks, which are examples of items you can order off the menu as their special treat. The other alternative is for you to bring the special things with you, such as a stick of gum, a bottle of their favorite juice, a pudding cup or some grapes, cubes of cheese or cereal squares. As long as the snacks are nutrition, you will gain the benefit of your toddler having had a healthy nutritious meal at the same time as it bought you an additional 10 or 20 minutes of good behavior.
The combination of these tools and approaches require you, the parent, to take new action and speak with your children in new and different ways. In addition, it requires you to create a healthy and appropriate environment for your child at all times. Asking a toddler to be quiet and polite at the dinner table for 15 minutes while they play quietly with stickers is reasonable. Beyond that, being buckled in a high chair for hours on end is too much to ask for a toddler, and so you need to shift the environment every half hour or so by a 5 minute outdoor break so your child can make noise, run, jump and play out his energy. Planning on child friendly snacks and drinks is another way of creating a more supportive environment for your child. No toddler wants to dine on fillet mignon and steamed asparagus all night. At some point they are going to want some finger foods and a glass of milk or juice to make the meal go down, and is an example of modifying the environment to support your toddler's best behavior.
Putting these tricks into action may take a few weeks or months. Just wrapping your mind around having to carrying a large diaper bag or satchel into the restaurant so that you are prepared with your Toddler Tool Kits and toddler friendly drinks and snacks is a big shift for some parents. If you are dressed up for the event, you'll have to shop around to find a diaper big sized satchel that will still match your dress and shoes. In the end, the changes are worth it. All these tools and tricks will naturally and easily grow into more complex and mature games and tricks that will support your children's best behavior throughout their lives.
With a house full of teenagers, the Toddler Tool Kits have long been set aside, and replaced with books, Ipods and Gameboys. As long as our teenagers politely greet our dinner guests, and put away the book or electronic unit when we signal to join in the conversation, we can compromise and recognize that they are small accommodations for young adults who shake hands, look a person in the eye and say, "Nice to meet you." We're proud of our children, and know that all that work and effort to help them grow into mature and content versions of themselves was worth every minute, and is a gift that keeps on giving.
